The Surmising Robins

This is what I want

2012-01-08T21:02:00.000-08:00

The fire trail had dried up to the point of being almost a desert. There was a castle at the top. It was rickety and slowly dissapearing, leaving behind it not empty space, but a void. A splatter or two of clones came down the path. Becky and I turned to look at each other. There was a set of wooden stairs built up a steep slope of the hill. They led to a street filled with green trees and houses where people knew each other. This opened up a new path directly behind me. Becky was gone. It was fall and there were oak leaves everywhere. It was an old wood hotel, hidden up in the hills of Berkeley. I assumed it was abandoned. I first thought I would live there. Then I imagined renovating it with Adena. I was in front of the boarded up front door with two women struggling to light a clove cigarette. I noticed one of the women had a nice bag. I kept on looking closer and closer until I realized it was the same as my bag. I realized that she was me and I was her. She didn't seem to care as much as I did about this fact. She had a friend who also didn't care about much of anything. I went upstairs and mused about moving in here after graduating, getting a steady job and living a solitary life. There was a bookstore on the second floor where I found two men going about important store business. Then a new dream began.

Alcohol might be my problem

2011-12-22T12:14:00.000-08:00

The swimming pool was deep like an ocean, you don't know where it ends or whats down there. But it was a pool and it was deep all the way to the edge of its angular, C-shaped island. I got in all of a sudden, talked to some people for a minute, then I saw the baby, face down in the water. The situation became ready to hand. I got out of the water to pull the baby out. With the same amount of precision and confidence, I attempted three times to lift the baby out of the water, scraping it and drawing blood each time. I rushed it to the library where a nurse in white was waiting to take it from me. I went into the library for a glass of water. I came out and there was the baby standing on a path next to the pool. It was Robbie. All I could do was stammer, "but, you were just so small," and gesture the size of a baby.
"Everyday, I would come home before everyone else and mix myself a drink," he explained to the group around him. "It dulls the senses you know," he added, tapping on his head.

Colors

2011-12-20T10:24:00.000-08:00

There were little cottages with big bushy gardens out front. I was in a car speeding along on side streets. I was in one of the gardens putting on chapstick with Becky. I was trying to get away from him but I could hear their music from the parking lot. There were stucco walls and cream colored capret. It was a nice juxtaposition to the lush green gardens where I felt so alone.

I was shopping with Jade and these two men brought out a pair of emerald and white high heels. They were for us. I wondered if we could both fit in them. I spend a while squeezing my feet in them. The height was uneven. I kept on loosing one of the heels then it would reappear. Jade didn't want them for some reason. I suddenly felt suspicious. They didn't go with my flashy green dress so I said no too.

I was driving in a light blue dusk. There were cat tails on the side of the road. I was doing math out of a book. Wondering if i was on the right chapter. When I got to the desert with the tents and silver poles I would have to teach it to the kids.

Home

2011-12-16T12:04:00.000-08:00

I was walking up to my old elementry school with Aaron. The buildings were all tile. Black and white with turquoise accents. The ivy was there. None of the bad memories were there. It was like a beach. Or a medical hospital. Brian came out of one of the rooms.

Billie and the whale

2011-12-05T09:39:00.001-08:00

Makie and hippo going for a ride. I was out walking with mom and caroline. We saw something happen near allendale. Like a fire. I was on the corner of gayley and ridge. In the foothil corner. Like on the lookout deck for a ship. I was waiting for something. Either the ship started sinking or we were being swallowed by a whale. Mom said something like oh no, we don't really have to worry about the house since its such a mess right now no one would want it in the first place. We were inside and eveything was going to be ok. The ship would be lost. Not ruined, but they would take it. Billie was there. He was with the whale. Maybe even controlling it. I was walking out with a crowd of people like protestors and there were a bunch of different tables selling things. In one last room I had to go to there were these plants and I smelled them, They smelled like sage. They were $65 for two but he offered me $10 for one. I said no thanks and left. In the room before the exit was billie. I tried to wave at him but he couldn't see me. When I got home I couldn't find my keys. Alexander and I decided to call mom. He was doing something riding or driving so i offered to call for him. I called one of the wrong numbers. I said no response then he offered to give me the number. I called again and she was in harvard doing some work or another so I said we should probably just figure it out on our won. We broke into the house as all the neighbors watched and police officers were standing by. There were huge dry grasses out in front. Taller than I was and they made a soft secret walkway. Inside the house nothing was in the right i order. I started thinking about how I would get the keys back from billie. It was a mystery, I would have to be able to think like him. I saw the black strap for the keys hanging out of my frog piggie bank. I tried to pull it out from the top. There were a ton of other key chains on there but no keys. I was really sad because I remember how much I loved my keys and that I didn't want to get new ones.

Remember this one:

2011-10-31T16:55:00.000-07:00

I was sure that I was already awake in my dream. I was in a dark room and Taylor was talking to the guys across the hall. We were both very small and innocent. When my alarm went of she heard it first.

What a beautiful night's sleep.

I'm ok. Its alright. How are you?

They

2011-10-23T08:25:00.001-07:00

I thought this was funny and meaningful

2011-06-29T20:08:00.001-07:00

something in the room with the Richard Diebenkorn at lacma and star wars trying to get out of the garbage dispenser making clones of the characters. The party was over, it was time to do the heidegger final. I was talking to chuck's friend. It was outside in a classroom next to the entrance of a building. It was a skecth on lined paper. I wasn't really paying attention to it. I was talking to him about how much I liked his friend. I was going to turn it in thinking it was total genious. I saw chuck. His names were all confused and the only thing i could think to call him was roger. His friend told him what i said. I said something. Asked him for something. he smiled so charmingly and refused. he said he had to go to the copy center or printer or office to turn in his paper. I had painted over my simple drawing and thought it was awful. I realized i had to turn in my paper and it was late and there was a thick coat of yellow on the bottom coating the only part that really mattered. I was standing by where all of the pots and silverware are being stored in the living room and tried to figure out how i could have gotten a grade already if i hadn't turned in my paper and what effect this would have. I was on the verge of despair and self reproach with the simultaneous notion of self defense when I woke up and had to spend a second or so reasoning out where i was and that i had submitted a paper in writing. Something about 'roger' speaking about english.

learning

2011-06-29T19:57:00.000-07:00

I was following a river on a raft going upstream. I ended up at the front of a big white building with a green lawn. I entered the building's library from the back door and the rows of books were tight, filled with very old books of a dull but rich color. The shape of this whole procedure was an abrstaction of hirigana. If i had to pick a character it would be like Ki or ko.

This give me shivers

2011-06-09T11:45:00.000-07:00

Some reason for wandering around a nice residential area like hastings ranch. I remember a science teacher somewhere between Ms. Hines and Ms. Allen. I was in a special group of selected students working on a project for her. We were climbing up these ladders. They were somewhere between a jacob's ladder and towers of babylon. I was excited because I was working with a really attractive man and I thought something was going to happen. I was happy to be on the quest for universal truth with him. We went up the first two towers. I don't have any idea what happened up there or how we ended up on the ground each time. I went up the last one. We had gotten inside. It seemed like the entrance to BAM. There were men in white uniforms. Two of the guys I was with (who I don't really remember being with earlier) had jumped the guys in white uniforms and taken their clothes to disguise themselves. I was still wearing my shirt. One of the boys patrolling the area, which looked like a large auditorium or concert hall, pointed at my shirt. He was confused because he didn't understand the skull on it. Like he had never really faced death so he couldn't understand it. Which is why killing was perfectly natural for him. I was standing with the two men I had come with. I felt a little betrayed because they had seemed to know what was going on but hadn't told me. I realized then that the really attractive one had dissapeared. The speeches began. It felt like the holocaust. It was a speech to the troops before the process began. I started to run. I went back towards the entrance and went down the stair well. The ramp I had come up was not a possibility. I don't know why. I kept on running past these doors which was were the victims were suppossed to be put. I had this desperate feeling of needing to escape. I got all the way down the stairs. This was like a storage area. There was a long front room with tools and and construction/maintenance vehicles and coffee. Off of this there were several smaller rooms. It felt like storage for a theatre, not backstage but like where they keep old sets. I felt really safe there, but it also seemed way too easy. Like how could I have gotten in here and everyone else would be stuck upstairs. I think the notion that I had gotten to the whole concentration camp differently made it possible for me to escape. Although I knew that that wouldn't have stopped anyone from killing me. At first I thought there were hobos in some of the bedding. I found a fully set up house in one of the storage shelves. A family walked by. I felt really guilty for having gotten the house first. They dissapeared. There was an old guy there with me. I wasn't really myself anymore. I was a young girl. She reminded me of like the little boy from cowboy bepop. Time passed. I had become friends with the old guy and had lived there for a few years. I could go to the outside of the storage room, like on the roof. I was worried about security cameras. for some reason I knew that even if they weren't there they didn't work. There was a couple of ladders leading off the roof. There were guards in the parking lot. I could have ran for it. The was a chain link fence but the doors were open. Some one else was about to. And I had my children back inside. It was ryan, he was wearing a military jacket. I was happy to see a familiar face. I realized that the gate led back to suburbia. To that one street were there was no place to buy cigarettes but a nice green golf course. I went back inside. The next day the gate was locked and they had set up another fence that looked like the one around PHS. I came back to the old man and my kids. There were men coming. I was a little scared. They were looking at my children with this malicious desire in their eyes. I realized i had nothing to worry about because I had turned my children into blueberry muffins somehow. Then I realized how dumb that was bcause they would just eat them. Somewhere around here the dream skipped and went back to me first getting to the place. This time I was wearing a shirt with a security camera on it. As I was heading downstairs I saw all the different rooms were filled almost to the top with dirty sewage water.I got down to the floor I had been at. the old man wasn't there. I had no kids. I was packing a bag because I knew that I had been called for and it was time to go. I was debating what I should put into the bag and the old man was right there next to me. I was imagining flinging the bag over the fence. I realized I should take my kids instead and they wer back as well. There was a lot of blue and on the other side of the parking lot in my back yard was the resistance movement that I was going to be with.

Completing the Square

2011-05-13T12:56:00.000-07:00

Some fellow had just gotten off work. I was helping him figure out how to complete the square so he could teach it to kids. Going with him to a party. Part home part cloyne. Mackie and Alexander and a bunch of their friends were there. Adena too. I was at an art museum with Taylor. There was a painting by Adena's grandpa. A yellow line drawn television set into a background of thick black paint. i started a painting. Thin trees. They meant something. I changed when I lifted it up. The tops of the trees were big yellow squarish stokes. It was transparent and changed when i held it up against the world. When I held it to the sky it was black and white and penguins were flying. A sore on my leg.

I woke up and was angry at feeling shitty about myself because of the nature of REM sleep. i knew I woke up to remember the dream to learn from it.

The night before

I invited alexander to the concert with me and caroline. I thought he wouldn't like it. Think it was not a good band. but he decided to go. We were going to race bikes. I was excited to do it with them. Alexander looked at my bike. The break pads were shot and the iron was bent. He said it wouldn't be safe for me to ride in the race. I was really bummed.

I was queen of the rock

2011-04-27T19:40:00.000-07:00

then Robbie pushed me off. Then we were talking then he went to talk to everyone else and be king of the rock. I was anrgy. I went to be with Ari on her rocks. One of my bracelets slipped off into the water. I was going to swim. I thought the water was really gross and dirty, but thats what everyone was doing. I was putting on my cap and goggles. I asked Robbie for a second cigarette. He said I was an addict and wasn't going to give me anymore. I was trying to fight it all off. I then started to fight Robbie. I challenged him because I wanted to be back on my rock again. I tried to kick him in the face but I wasn't close enough so the foot just ended up in front of his face. The same thing happened when I tried to punch him. He was doing the same thing. Neither of us stepped forward to actually fight. I realized that I really couldn't hurt him and felt very weak for that. Then he pulled out a razorblade from his cell phone. It was kind of oily. Oh. Ew.

They're monitoring my subconscious masochist

2011-04-23T11:53:00.000-07:00

bringing it closer to the surface so its easily pervertible.

One where I was lying on my bed outside of Cloyne in the sun in the street on the corner of Le Roy and Ridge. There was a bridge inside of bus like poles on a jungle gym or a bunk and JP was tall enough to reach the top and pull the curtain across. Amy walked up the street and asked me to come inside. This is part of a series in which I like to believe I'm part of some one else's dreams.

Also, Adena told me she dreamt about belly dancing earlier this week. I think it was monday night that I went to the tennis courts to dance. I took off my sweatshirt to keep my computer dry. I ended up belly dancing in a bra and sweatpants. Not a coincidence.

paper break

2011-04-21T13:53:00.000-07:00

Brownies are really good paper writing motivation. Also they can make you a better editor. Not a better writer, but a better editor.

I feel like a part of me stayed awake last night to work on my lifelong syllogism in a very abstract atemporal manner. It went to bed when I woke up. Not before I came to the collision though.

fixing a hole

2011-04-19T14:31:00.000-07:00

This was as I was falling asleep: A bunch of people were walking down by memorial glade where the armenian genocide thing is. They all had rays of lights were their heads should have been. This has a lot of different meanings packed into it. Its especially beautiful because there is no way that its random.

Until we get it, forget it, let it all disappear

2011-04-14T10:16:00.000-07:00

I was in pool doing a lifeguard test run. There were a couple people in the pool. They were all passive. I didn't know which ones to save. I just sat there waiting for an active drowning victim. My parter didn't do anything either. Maybe she went to get ems. Blow up dolls and blow up toys. Tamylin was scoring me on her check list. You got really lazy didn't you? She said. I tried to argue. I think Genny grabbed me and took me away. We were in rooms downstairs, trying to find other people to take with us.
I was in the kitchen at Cloyne. It looked completely different. Kind of like the sauna and kind of like the room from the opening scene of inception. They were about to serve dinner but I started to make a hot dog. Some how I ended up with a hot dog and half a grilled cheese. Genny was there. She was really stoked that we were going to knotts berry farm. Mackie was going to big five. Mom was dropping me off at a room for incoming freshman. I was excited to meet my roommate. Me and Genny going up stairs in a tower in the south west corner of Cloyne. We were going to see a harry potter reading. We paid for our tickets to knotts when we got there. I saw my grandma and my sister so went to sit with them. I was confused as to who was giving the talk. It was a guy talking about his son wearing a Giants uniform. Suddenly we all got on this boat/whale and headed out towards the ocean to follow a big whale out there.

ps
I got 3d vision without the glasses. Check it.

My dreams are so meta

2011-04-09T12:58:00.001-07:00

A guy like Tyler with dark hair was riding bikes down california one in the rain. He was going the distance, going for speed. Absolutely free. The bridge was closed but he went on it anyways. I was in an airport. Tim was leaving finally. I was window shopping. There was a shop with a bunch of cheep average clothes. I was inside of one place like a chuck-e-cheese, bar, diner arcade combo. Me and Adena were getting food. Hamburger with meat. Tim's dad was there. Some one decided me and adena could split. There was something wrong with that. I should have realized it was the meat. But I saw that the hamburgers were big enough for two so I was ok. They were coming out on the rotating trays from the dining hall. Some one else's dining hall experience was located there. I realized tim was gone. I looked at some one and said I had just woken up there and tim was gone. I didn't even remember him leaving. I liked that. Around the corner there were three young men discussing david bowie in a very serious tone of voice. I woke up inside of the internet at that point. I was looking through stuff on this blog. Each person who visited had a profile. There was one for an alyson with "keep sending red herring..." or something like that on the top. All of my sisters friends had profiles. I didn't expect that. I was waking up in a wasteland. Caroline was lying in front of me covered in sand. Her friends were around too. People wearing cpr dummy's as full body suits were playing soccer. One of them started to cough. I immediately reflexively went in for the rescue. I thought this seems unnecessary but I'm going to do it anyways just in case. The person stopped breathing. I was confused when I started cpr. I was checking for breathing. I realized that I had to take the dummy suit off first. It was a young girl. One of caroline's friend. I think I recognized her from the diner. She said she was claustrophobic. She didn't really like small dark places but she wanted to see what It was like. I identified with her. I thought back on how awful it was in the suit and couldn't remember why I had wanted to be in it.

World Breakdown!

2011-04-06T07:44:00.000-07:00

Sierra was reciting a poem she wrote and I kept trying to correct her. I can't remember the exact wording:

The Pots will wither in the room
best get them some sun

Flowers wither in the sun
best put them in the room

The flowers will wither
best get them some sun

Madison smoking cigarettes and cloyne was under inspection. In council we were debating turning cloyne into a commercial restaurant for better publicity or something. There were red checkered tablecloths on all the tables. Lots of empty cups.

Yesterday there was one about rags and teeth. Driving cars on the bottom of a lake. Boats on the top. Not boats, but jerry-rigged flotation contraptions. What a funny combination of words.

Imagination and Hallucination

2011-03-25T11:40:00.000-07:00

When I got high with Taylor I tried to lucidly hallucinate (which i guess is just imagination?) I managed to see a toadstool and grass where there was a picnic table and a bunch of woodchips. It was faint, but it was there. Then the spacial perception of the coals on the barbeque were so fucking cool. The cartoon like focus was switching between the right and left, or front and back. Is there really a difference?

This relates to dreams because... I remember talking to Talyor and looking at a red wood fence and loosing focus on the conversation and seeing a car headlights in the fence. I can't remember this ever happening in real life. I'm pretty sure it was a dream. I guess I'll never really know which ones real and which ones not? It made me realize though, that the foundation for a lot of my beliefs, my proof, all happens in dreams. So when you start discussing these things with people, its hard to back yourself up, when they haven't been where I've been. I don't know why I switched to second person there. Thats funny.

Short but Dense

2011-03-20T18:10:00.000-07:00

A fountain that was a cross between the one where Emperor kuzco gets dumped in the Emperor's New Groove and the one at the arboretum where I took off my clothes to go swimming as a kid. A yellow bus. Kind of like the cat bus from totoro.

these curious phenomena....

2011-03-18T11:54:00.000-07:00

I only feel alright when the view is flashing!

I was doing something like customs in an airport. Only customary. Getting in line. There was one line that looked totally open. I ran up to it. It was closed. There were families in line for the next one. I went over there. A bunch of friends were following me. I saw a shorter line and got right on. It was so cool. Someone I knew was already there. The pilot knew what he was doing. It was so fast. The wind going past the aircraft made a sort of forcefield. You can't really meet people like this. But I did. I was with taylor and jordan in their apartment. I think there was a hospital bed with their grandfather. It was only for a moment. I was thankful to be there. I was going to the restroom. There were drugs and I ran into other people they lived with. Got into another room. I was in Alex's apartment. Ryan was there. It was a room with a lot of plants and windows. It was dark outside and the view wasn't picturesque, but I thought it was so cool and wanted everyone else to see why this room was so great.

I woke up at 4:00. I went to the bathroom and was trying to figure out why I was awake. I think I heard a girl moaning down the hall. My bed was really uncomfortable and I was swimming in a bunch of prepositions and pronouns and other such empty words. All structure and no meaning. I was still communicating.

Um. The game.

2011-03-17T08:09:00.000-07:00

I was asking the waiter for water. He gave it to me in a glass goblet rather than in the mug I wanted. I knew him from somewhere. Ello was also a waiter. I sat down. We were in class. Blanton's postwar Brittish drama. He was tag teaming with Ryan Oliver though. People were taking turns taking roles. I was afraid so I waited until there were only a few left. They were a good few. Like what happened to that guy who got Vernon in Henry IV. I think I was going to be the nurse. I knew I could do it but it was all different from what I had imagined it would be. I sat down next to ryan and he started telling me all about the first time he fell in love. He just knew it was meant to be. All the signs and his family agreed. And she was so pretty. Wait, isn't he gay? I saw Alexander and Jessica. Adena was there.

I believe this is about waiting, serving, the ctd pary, my Shakespeare class, and Robbie. I really don't like what I think it means. That I should stop waiting and talking and just do. And a lot of fear that if I do what I naturally do, it just won't be good enough. But I've taken a stand on my being that is to be genuinely me and also to really really like him. And if thats not enough, I've dealt with worse...

Thats not very comforting. Especially when its so hard to take care of myself and try and open him up at the same time. And deal with reality breakdown when it attacks from every possible direction.

It was so much easier being goal oriented and very cold and empty inside.

Oh

2011-03-11T07:08:00.001-08:00

I had one of those great nights last night were I caught myself starting to dream. I was thinking about something really great and nice and then I realized I was bleeding from my shoulder which alerted me to the fact that there was also lotion in front of me that was getting smeared on my body. I didn't like either of these things and started to think about them then there was a class room in front of me. I realized what was going on and tried to keep watching it. Thats all I wanted to do. I didn't want to control the dream. I just wanted to be there for it. Cars started wizzing by me. Something was wrong. I was still in bed and knew I couldn't dream like that. It must be that I'm stationary. I started to wiz by with the cars. I imagined me wizzing by with the cars. Didn't work, I was lying in bed imagining another Molly wiz by me. I tried to wiz. That also makes no sense. The class room started to reappear. Maybe If I created the world around me. I imagined myself on a beach. I imagined the room. The horizon. It was hard to image just that and not me imagining it too. Maybe I should try and fly? I had to make an animal to fly on. I tried to get on. Again I was imagining me imaging it. At this point I realized it would be impossible for my to just watch the dream because I would have to start being it and creating it at the same time. I realized I needed to make the world to take with me when I flew. I stated step by step. I was way too committed to it being unified to make it work. I wanted to get on the animal then it had to be a horse. I realized I needed to give up on the unity of my perceptions. My shoulder started itching in real life and I scratched it and there were a couple issues of squelch jammed between two dark areas in front of me. the other shoulder itched and there was a different image. Other cool images happened but then I fell asleep.

Before I woke up I was with Krystal in a really genuine interaction. The only thing wrong was that there was residue of taylor between us. I didn't mind that. I would stay faithful to her although she had left. Something about mushrooms. ???? from cloyne taking us on a bus into the city. Some one working on an art project. Me and krystal looking at this thing in front of us. She seemed to be seeing it and I was constantly comparing it to an image of it. She was mostly right but there was something small I could notice about the building differently. I woke up believing I was leaving the more basic state to return to the breakdown case. I thought that through and didn't believe it all the way.

my dreams are so funny

2011-02-26T11:46:00.000-08:00

I woke up coughing in the middle of the night. I was obsessing over something. Don't really remember it. I got water and went back to bed. The lyrics to "Paper Gangsta" were getting run into the song "Sex Karma." Quite apt subconscious Molly.

After listening to both songs I understand why. It was pivoting on the word "diamond" in both. How do I even make connections like that? It boggles the mind.

Concepts

2011-02-23T08:10:00.000-08:00

I woke up a few times last night. I only remember two things. One was waking up and realizing my legs were trapped in a square. I realized I was applying the concept of a square to my body which made me feel trapped although it really wasn't. This triggered a quick serious of epiphanies about people who apply incorrect concepts of to their perception of self and the effect that has on their ability to cope with the world. I didn't really think it was a problem I was dealing with, but I could name some other people that were.

The other was seeing Kelly and Adena talking. Adena left and I had to go talk to kelly. I wanted to talk to her but I was really nervous. Suddenly paula was sitting next to her wearing a denim jacket. She said it was TJ's. I thought it had been some one else's.

lol

2011-02-21T09:00:00.001-08:00

Justin once told me that my subconscious was either the most beautiful thing ever or the biggest troll on the face of the earth. I'm pretty sure its the latter of the two. Dreams prepare you for worst case scenarios? Yesterday it prepared me for the two things that went more than perfectly and did not say anything about the biggest wreckage. I'm not really laughing. I respect the artistic intent, but seriously?

Last night I dreamt that Elaina was telling me about how she told Promer (who was more like Finn) how her parents told her how they met. I wonder whose head I was in at that point.

I've also tried to figure out why I have so many dreams about Beau from Cloyne. At first I thought it was because he lived next door and I would see him before I went to bed. My new theory is that he gets bored or lonely at night and gets up and wanders through other people's dreams. He strikes me as the type.

Two!

2011-02-20T07:59:00.000-08:00

I noticed a little over a week ago that I rarely dream about being behind the wheel. Usually I'm in a car with other people. I think Adena might have something to say about how this reflects my personality. I remember Beau was sitting on a bench outside of a savon. He was really cold, but he wouldn't leave the bench until he got money from the stocks he was trading. I gave him a sweater and some sweatpants to keep him warm. Other people wanted to drink more. I wanted to go get ice cream, or something from the frozen foods isle. Brian was too drunk to drive but they all wanted some one to drive and pick up more alcohol. I must have offered to do it although I was pretty drunk too. I was driving very carefully. Suddenly the two people who worked at Zee Zee copy sped off of an onramp and ran a red light. I think I had been stopped at the green light because I was really nervous so I was being overly cautious. Somehow I knew they were so reckless because they were in love. In the dream I recognized my driving style was a metaphor for my self awareness. Its funny that I start to interpret my dreams before I even wake up.

For the last week I've been waking up every morning in state of absolute bliss. Its all my head though. Literally. Like I've had dreams in which I experience bliss in other parts of my body and its not like that. I've only ever become aware of the source of my happiness right after the dream image disappears. This morning was the first time I woke up still sort of in the dream. It was nice. Its actually possible that this was the only time there was a dream image to wake up in. I could have just had empty feeling before. I used this image as somewhere to work back from and put together the rest of dream. It wasn't that big of a deal, just me imagining everything that could go wrong today. Getting fined for workshift, getting locked out of kroeber. Maybe there was other stuff.

Caroline playing the ocean on piano and other things

2011-02-17T08:07:00.000-08:00

I was going figure drawing and looking for a sweater to wear because it was going to be cold. Or maybe we were late and I had realized I forgot my gloves. And we were late because I took so long to get all my pencils together. I don't remember who I was going with though. I was looking for shoes. I found one and it was like my orange huaraches. I put it on and it was too small. We were on the beach. I guess grandma took us on another vacation, this time to Africa. I was ruining the shoe by trying to put it on. There were a bunch of people with shoes and I was looking for ones that were the right size that i could borrow. Or maybe i didn't care what size they were. I felt it would be rude to be so demanding of the shoes they would be giving me. I tried on one pair of straw sandals with a triangular front and no back. Then there was piano playing. A show. I was trying to look around in the dream but it was like the inside of a video game. I thought I was very glad that this trip was going to be different from the last ones. Mackie and mom were both drumming behind me. Mack did a really precise cool thing. Then mom got up and i couldn't even follow which way her hands were going. Mack looked at her funny. I don't remember who came up next. The last I remember was caroline playing the ocean on the piano. I didn't know if everyone realized how cool it was that she was doing that. She made it look kind of easy. Alexander was going to play something. He was bummed because he needed this one note for his song but that key was out of tune. He was really sad. I had some intention to play the piano but then we were talking about food. Something about Trader Joes and going out. I was looking through yogurt in the fridge. I wanted plain but it was all flavored berry ones. There was much stress thought. Just confusion and mild disappointment. A general response of, I'll figure it out somehow, to each one of the problems.

Balance is so difficulct

2011-02-16T10:43:00.000-08:00

I felt like a part of me packed up and moved to different part of my brain and it was so hard to get resituated. I don't know why its so hard for me to write my dreams down on paper. I feel like journals and computer files are very similar to masoleums. My sketchbook is the only place I can put my dreams where I'm sure they won't wither. But its more of a place for daydreams.
I do want to put them somewhere where they will be read again, by me and by other people. I don't know why. It gives me a small amount of pleasure in my life. And no one is better off for it not being shared. "And if I never picked the pen up, held inside and never shared, and oh is that so eloquent- not really what I meant but at least you got the notion that I cared." Its funny how all the good/bad distinction I've bound myself to are seeming to vaporize. Well no, its not funny. Its kind of beautiful. To be quoting Nana Grizol that is. (;
I wish I wouldn't make up arbitrary rules and restrictions for myself just for the sake of experimentation and then break them two weeks or six months later because... Actually. I don't know if its that simple. I have learned things from my absence. And its only motivation isn't experiment. So I guess its not that bad to do what I do. Its a little crazy, but methodological. And I do care. Probably too much.

I'm really satisfied with this realization. I'll have some dreams later.
I'm so behind in my class that I just transferred into. Now that I've gotten this out of my head I might be able to focus on my reading.

We've Moved!

2011-01-30T16:19:00.000-08:00

My blogger experience has changed a lot since they added the page view tracker. I know now that people other than me read this. A lot of people are interested in the dream where my mom died. I guess when people have scary dreams, instead of looking inside themselves to understand it, they ask google. Funny. I also think that some of the people I indirectly write to indirectly end up reading it. There are a lot of unaccounted for page views and no one else I know reads this. I don't know if I need to continue whoring out my subconscious like that. If you want to know what's going on in there (or in here?), you should have to work for it like I do.

I think the work I've done for myself and my imaginary readers is coming back to me. I've learned a lot from my dreams. I'm now turning towards a more scientific analysis and away from the poetic diary that this is. I'm exploring issues in creativity and imagination through deeper and more active analysis of my dreams. This will require more detailed records. I generally avoid posting incredibly embarrassing, self deprecating, and sensitive things on here. I can't keep doing that. So I'm moving to either a journal, or a file on my computer.

If you're curious about this. Just talk to me. I'll probably obsess over it for at least the next few weeks.

2011-01-28T12:03:00.003-08:00

step one: put on your glasses (metaphorically)
step two: keep it in focus (literally)
step three: don't even think about doing anything else

Hillary: Molly you look like a corpse
Molly: Dude, the color yellow is so cool.
Hillary: Shut up, You're not even high.

2011-01-28T12:03:00.001-08:00

What is this?

2011-01-27T18:24:00.000-08:00

And why is this girl giving a shout out to Cyrano de Bergerac?

http://www.shaman-australis.com/~claude/dreams.html#alphabetisation

I have no Idea what you're trying to tell me subconscious,

2011-01-15T09:58:00.000-08:00

But I trust that you have some vague Idea of where we're headed.

I don't really intend to keep capitalizing "Idea". I think I'm subconsciously thinking about "I" as in the proper pronoun, each time I write the word.

I was ordering fruity alcoholic beverages. There was an overwhelming feeling of too much. Christmas in the tropics and pretty, emptied out women. The kind my heart goes out to. Christiana might have been there. I feel that name is like Christ reflected in a tropical sense. Definitely the bar was on the train tracks.

On the deck of a ship. I was in Trader Joes. Security spotted us. First I thought it was the pasta sauce in my bag, then I thought it was weed. Then I realized that I had nothing to hide, and that neither of those things belonged to me, and I couldn't understand why they wanted to frisk me. And it was like the macarena. Not like in a mocking way. It was just the protocol that everyone was using.

I was on the deck of the ship. There was a wall of plexiglass between it and the real world. It was floating above everything. There were trees on the other side. It felt like existence depended on something that was happening right then, maybe even on the ship. Some sort of battle with god. It wanted to take back what it had given us. A strict rhythm. The ship was moving. I think this is where the most important part goes but I don't have the concepts to put it together without ruining it.

I do remember what happened near the edge of the ship on the deck just not on the narrow bridge hall thing. For some reason I associate it with the halls of the docked ship in the pokemon game. Doesn't it set sail when you finish it so you can't go back there later? Which is different because all of the other different zones are still available but have lost their mystery. Like the cave that you turn the lights on in. Actually isn't there a lot of turning lights on in pokemon? Subconscious you're making a lot more sense right now.

Ok, well, I'd like to remember whats going on in that hall, but I'll press forward. There was a really big forest on the other side of the plexi glass. The trees looked beautiful. Like they were covered in snow. It reminded me of the water dripping off the magnolias the other day. I considered jumping off. It was a lot like suicide. But I wanted to escape to save myself not to destroy myself. I didn't have time to think. The ship lurched and threw me off. But I don't know if I did that or if god's thunderstorm did. If there was a thunderstorm at all, I might be imagining that. Or maybe I imagined god and had him make the storm to throw me off.

I think the moment between me getting thrown off and grabbing the tree was really important. I think it was like nothing. Negative space. I grabbed one of the beautiful trees and slid down to the bottom. Like a firefighter. Maybe thats what was it. In the hall. Fighting the fires that god kept setting. Maybe it was a battle of entropy and order. or things like that.

I got down and felt this feeling of success. I'd escaped and it ended up being some where beautiful. People were there. Lori I remember. Other old friends and long gone relationships. Crowds were gathered to celebrate with snowball fights and snow angels in the ground. Alexander was taking beautiful photos. Mom wanted photos of me. The snow started to turn to ash and dust. The sun was out. Maybe it never was snow.

heightened self awareness

2010-12-23T14:43:00.000-08:00

Is one of my many weaknesses in life. I dreamt some fellow was asking me, in a very concerned tone of voice, how my dreams were doing. I thought this had profound significance and I decided I would review some of my dreams when I woke up to see if I was missing anything important. I checked my pockets and there was fruit falling out. I already had enough fruit why was I making fruit appear out of no where? Then I was catching a train. With sleeping compartments.

Souuuul parades

2010-12-22T18:06:00.000-08:00

I was going down handicap ramp. I had just finished taking the paint off of my pink woman painting. I put it down next to the double of the painting. Both pencil contour drawings. I walked away wearing this pink Gypsy outfit. I wonder wear I could have gotten that from. I met my date. A black hole. The closest thing I can come to an image of him is the big guy that comes swimming at Hearst and/or tina's ex-boyfriend. But I think it was more important that he was a black hole. He said something like wow you're really dressed up. I wore it like I owned it. We were trying to find the best place to have pizza. I think we decided on milano. I was like wait they sell pizza? The black whole was trying to sell perfume in bathrooms. It looked just like potpourri. I took a bottle of it and I think it smelled ok but it looked really goopy. Like galkyd, but I didn't think that at the time. I mentioned, and someone else agreed that a bathroom probably wasn't the best place to market his perfume. It was then that it occured to me why he needed me. And the particular type of power that gave me. I was putting the perfume onto a small water-fountain with the boy statue from Hearst in miniature. It was very small and delicate. I kind of liked it and was glad I had found it. It then occurred to me that I would be sleeping there. I realized that he would want to have sex with me. But I didn't want that. I realized that he would rape me. It was a dumb moment for me because I knew that I had known all along that that was the only thing that could have happened. Then I tried to figure out why I would have gone in the first place. Was there some part of this black hole that I wanted to love me? I don't need people to love me. The cabins from arrowhead. I was looking for a ticket to get out of there.
I can't do this right now. I don't care anymore. It only means bad things.

And now we arrive

2010-12-21T09:22:00.000-08:00

in the bed of my childhood and so much boredom that my dreams run rampant.

I think this is the first time I ever dreamt about drawing. I was in a train. It was all pink and there were stuffed animals. I was looking through my grandmother's drawings from art school. They were really good. She had been sitting in a chair on the lawn drawing and waiting till alexander got home. I thought they were really good and had forgotten she could do that. I tried to draw my mom in her book. I was worried it wasn't going to look good. It looked ok for the chin, and the nose was in the right place, but I kept on drawing the noses and couldn't make them into lips. More about the rooms and two people talking and switching spots. I wanted them to help me break into my grandmas or someone's old room. then I remembered that I had the key so i said I would go get it. i think someone, maybe me, was dressed as little bo peep.

I really do enjoy being me

2010-12-17T10:48:00.000-08:00

Some poet needs to write a poem in which dreams do not ingrain illusions and false hopes, but rather repeat real life experience to learn things better and/or emotionally prepare the dreamer for worst case scenario situations. I would do it but I paint better.

Context (oh! I used this on the essay I just wrote):
After a long but really really fun study session in which ashbery and duncan finally made sense.

Dream:
I was going to an end of the year potluck. I remember maxim definitely, but he was only there because of the other molly. [link to double consciousness, replica (obviously i'm the fake because its not even my name), doppleganger end rhyme (end rhyme because only similarity in sound not proximity or referent)]

Suddenly I was missing a shoe (twist of "where's that chunk of head, apparently meaningless but covert link to notion of 'grounding'")

I was with robbie/bennet going to see tim. One was driving a white van, the other was opening the drivers side door to this van (to elsie, "no one/ to witness/ and adjust, not one to drive the cars," also experience of car i never had.)

Suddenly they were the same. morphing and growing into November gold curls (link to my terrible never should have been written poetry that links with chateau hardware's and other poems freaking out about the month of November)

I was suddenly really embarassed that my idea of tim and real tim were going to meet eachother. Both worried that real tim would feel bad that idea tim was so much cooler and embarassed to still have an idea tim at all. (reality and art that goes both above (idea tim) and below (reducing idea of robbie/bennet to component parts) these levels of realism)

I'm not going to lie, it is simultaneously outstanding and absolutely hilarious the way my dream uses pastiche to parody my silly existence.

It also helped me illustrate and solidify concepts that were on my test today.

And Finally, but most importantly for me, in turning these traditionally romantic themes and characters into study tools and artistic fodder, I am doing a much better job of being a heartless selfish and goal oriented human being.

Use people molly.
Use them.

Dreams are the perfect medium for love.

2010-12-15T10:28:00.000-08:00

Like stagnant water for disease ridden mosquitoes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1Fcaro25Ek

Thats probably why Dickinson preferred to wake at midnight dreaming of dawn.
Why the surmising robins were better.

Just accidentally inspired this poem:

Conjugation

The medium of love. Analogous to stagnant water for mosquitoes.
The bacteria they carry
tear clean in half,
But in a neat mitosis-- Each parent partitions half the parts of a child.

The ceremony of marriage ties. An event for white lace
Remembered over my mother’s neck, in the photo remains of a night
on an overstuffed bookshelf.
I learned from looking at my father, how to loop through his tie.
I was really good at lacing, and knew how to unlace too
Shoes sitting on the corner of the quilt, on what used to be a marriage bed
Now only in use for one.
I started with two bunny ears as a whole knot,
Then I learned how the bunny chases round the tree
And loops through the hole and then pulling it,
Apart was so easy
if you knew which string to pull.

Pirates

2010-12-14T21:58:00.000-08:00

I tried really really hard to remember this one.

I was on the beach. We were going to the pirate party. He needed a blue striped shirt. We walked up to the street to look for a Goodwill. It was a recently taken path. We were in macy's and he was looking at a polo shirt. We were walking through the maze of ikea. He was hard to keep up with. I got distracted by candles. Like the ones from Tom's thing. I thought I could use them for something but then couldn't really think of what. I was inside of a castle. Downstairs was kind of like snape's, the potion final exam. Laura was upstairs in the dorm. She had a bike and I was going biking with her. They looked flat and yellow. They were different but I was glad that I had mine. I think she was happy with hers too. I was leaving the castle and that fellow that slept over with Jackie was in the kitchen preparing for an event that other people I didn't really care about were preparing for too. We were headed through the tennis courts back to the beach maybe. It was different from how we got there the first time. The people that were there would be gone or different. But it was still the beach. Maybe with more waves rocks, and barnacles.

sleep=death

2010-12-13T18:46:00.000-08:00

Sometime between mayhem and paper and more mayhem: I was a the bart station where zohaib told me he liked to swim and play polo. It was sort of like the pedestrian bridge to the marina too. I remember definately adena. giving her something. dinner something. We were meeting between other things. Camping. Possibly, actually very likely I was climbing mountains with gary snyder. Either that or something about the Beast's cave hut mansion. Definately probably both. A bus.

Also when Adena slept over and we both dreamt about her dad. I was really excited that he remembered me. Something about ice cream and caroline. And a bathroom.

yesterday: I had nothing to do between when I got bored and when I was going to adena's for dinner so I started to fall asleep. I was so incredibly angry and depressed when I woke up. I hate the light and all the meaning of the universe and the fact that I had to wake up and everything about being human. I think I was a little bitchy to hillary. I did not want to go to dinner. But I didn't buy cigarettes and got there and mediated on a ladybug for a while and I was ok.

I wish there was more.

A Short Yoda Woman

2010-12-01T08:53:00.000-08:00

Me and someone sunbathing.
A leopard in a pool. Morphed into a man.
Yoda woman came out of the supply closet in the auditorium at Wilson. I was dancing and chanting and she told me I was doing fine. She said you should name the rooms though. If this is the working room, call it that. It was more of a parking garage. Aaron charging for parking. She proceeded to land a plane there.
Rooms like were the athletes keep their equipment a spieker. Dark. I don't go in there much.

Oh

2010-11-20T20:59:00.001-08:00

Adena and I were somewhere. On a platform or floating castle. She said she was going to bed early. My mom followed her. she went to see caleb. Sort of like the tables at fsm. Some one gardening. A warehouse like urban ore. Adena was killing O'brien. I thought no. But I decided before he died, where did you get those scars? Something about an accident when he was a kid. i was disappointed.

I'm so old.

2010-11-19T12:16:00.000-08:00

I just thought to myself, I could die right now and feel I've lived a meaningful life. Holy shit. I don't know if this is what I felt two year ago or if I'm finally breaking through. I love this. So thankful. So full. Thankful. So full.

Last night I woke up several times because people kept on ringing at my extended ear/mouth. The first time I was inside of an avocado playing frisbee with travis and all. There were these crystals of a synthetic blue color between the meat and the skin. Like the lego spaceman floor. Or the soundproofing foam we used under sleeping bags spray-painted blue. The blue of the warm sleeping bag. I'm sure there were pixelated forests and earth and lake inside. I really wanted to tell Travis about this because I knew he would enjoy it.

I know I dreamt of O'brien last night. I see orange and reds. A repeated pattern of holes and doors. Yellow holes and brown doors.

Everything else slowly but permanently morphed into the alarms, texts, sleep in my eyes, peeing, and voicemails.

Baots

2010-11-15T08:05:00.000-08:00

I was getting on a boat with Adena. It should have been our final escape. Sailing into the sunset. Lifiting another boat onto ours. the smaller one. Tugboat, something. The sun was going down and I wondered if we were going the right way. Suddenly we were sailing between two hills. Inside a maze. A ride in disneyland. Hell.

I had a dream were heather said to me, I love his style, i would totally go for him if I didn't have a boyfriend. It was then that I thouhgt about wanting him. Outside tables set up and mess at cloyne.

Neutral milk hotel was touring. I wanted to find a san francisco show. It was a doll house. Smoking something. picking up food. cleaning. roxanne a. ap. trying to get me to tr. no no no. negative. Playing barbies?

Tree stained clouds

2010-10-14T11:47:00.000-07:00

I thought some unfiltered really excited thought about the clouds upon waking up this morning.
Those are storm clouds! The clouds are heavy with rain! Something like that.

Well shit.
I dreamt I was in alex's new apartment going to see noah and the whale with him. I didn't really have any desire to be there. He was a bachelor in his little bachelor pad. He made a big deal about getting the alarm set. Possibly because he was high and incredibly paranoid. His little henchmen flittered around in the bathroom. A hotel bathroom.

I was getting really drunk and Beau was there. Offering to get in a car and go to the city. A sunday morning carpool with hillary and Tony. He was really persistent. Liked me sexually more than anything else. Touring around the city. Kidney shaped pools (probably full of all the alcohol we were drinking.) SUCH delicious food. Probably some blood. A lot like Humming Humbert probably in a hummer. If not, I've decided its so, so it was. Hey.

Then I was then with Tim. He pulled the same move brian did last night. I wanted to punch him in the face so frustrated in disbelief at how inhuman he could act.

After all this dirtiness deep reaching (clinging to the last nothing and resisting the new something) why would I be blessed with the sight of heavy heavy rainclouds this morning. So pure and full and brimming with everything forever. And the tip of a tapping foot and shaking side to side could bring it all down. Monsoon-- hurricane --pitter patter on pale concrete. For soft eyes and yellow streetlights making spaces in the night for chain linked fences and the inkwell night sky staining trees onto the hilltops. On top of clouds.

FInally

2010-10-05T08:28:00.000-07:00

I was at a party. Setting up for liz's brithday. Getting chairs out of a closet and setting them up. I put my bag inside before the party began. Then I thouhgt of going but was trapped in the chair. A cup of water began to boil in the middle of the table. I said how did you do that. Liz said meggie just tapped it in. I repeated it to zach after feeling wierd for a minute. We started laughing. And laughing. He made it into a dirty joke. Se just tapped/touched it in. The status bar at the bottom of each web page was a dirty joke. There were four or five columns of web pages. O'brien was there. Meggie put the teacup in the pocket of her/my sweater. O'brien commented on the unique poetic nature of my short sleeved blue jacket. something about the beats. I thought, he must recognize that its mine. I like and disliked that he was putting it on. My identity was being passed around the table.

I was wondering why liz was mad. My dad. something about the grass. I was fixing a problem I didn't start. She was mad at me for what some one else did. I was talking to another girl about hazel. She was mad at Alan. She needed to look for someone new. Some one who talked. What does that mean. A slutty looking girl walked up behind us and alan started hitting on her. I wondered if the big chain hazel always wore around her neck. An iron or copper sort of crude figure, got in the way while they were havin sex.

Back at the pool. Liz was an architecture student and I was an artist. So they got along. Explaining what happened to Jaya. Some one took the grass.

Mom was in there. I was guarding and swimming. Trying to get away from some boy. I want to say Josiah. Certainly some half god.

An odler one:
The tide pools of strawberry creek. Working in the industrial age. Butterfly clips.

It was a prison. San Quentin closed for one month every year so they sent the inmates here. I was showing someone were they had put stucco on all the walls to cover where the doors and interesting things had been. something beautiful and old was underneath.

Mom and I agreeing I needed to come home for some spiritual purpose.

boobies

2010-08-10T13:22:00.000-07:00

I saw an old man with really strange breasts. They were like lumps of clay. He was telling me of all the surgeries he had. There was a woman with Eight breasts. We were in a tran station. By the creek in the rose gardens. Making a veggie burger with lots of spices.

It was with adena. Getting high. Aja was buying fruits. Peaches. More That I forget.

rhetoric

2010-08-01T09:48:00.000-07:00

we were at a convention. journalism/award ceremony/comicon. I was walking down a hallway with two other women. or a man and woman. we were good friends. like teammates. One decided to go into this room. I followed. The audience had refused to watch it because it was too pornographic. I had to get up and argue why they should watch it. We did a dance number. The woman was the assistant mc. she had been there for the opening ceremony. she handed the mic to me. After the dance i got up to speak. my basic logic was that you don't know what it is till you see it. and new knowledge allways comes off as shocking. in time it will become normalized and serve as a stronger foundation for for future knowledges. then i was in the pool with taylor and jordan. I was coaching jordan on her stroke. the coach came up to me and told me what was wrong with mine and that i was teaching her wrong. I argued. then i tried his way and it was better. I was in a forest. camp ground. I was looking through water polo suits. i was about to play. i think ryan and robbie were there. all of them. in the lane lines.

inception

2010-07-29T08:38:00.000-07:00

We were in oaxland at a mansion. kind of like wilson inside. white. construction going on. there was a view at the top. something about it was so bittersweet. i was amazed until i realized the boats in the harbor crowded the veiw. some one said there was more down the way. I went to look. some one I was about to lose for a long time.
I had a dream with andrew something. both or one. one who lived below me looked like jj and i was trying to log into his netflix. we were all drinking. i said go back to your shot glass or somthing them looked and it was more of a mug. some one needed buttons and i found my co-op one and gave it to them. maria may have been there. he had something to do with the mountain goats. their tour was lined up outside of dwinelle. strange decemberists like costumes. one date was at strawberry canyon one in la. i was planning on trading shifts to get to go to one in la. justin was walking down the hill to me. invite him. we were both carrying our guitars in our backpack. I was really perplexed because i thought mine was heavy. then i realized his must be heavy too. so there really wasn't any crazy reason why mine would be more heavy.
We were about to sit down in the grass between dwinelle and wheeler. i said i thought there were too many crossroads here.
I was in the apartment looking through all the photos i had taken with him. i started to wonder when we took them. they were beautiful nighttime shots of construction areas and lights and the moon. and destruction and oil. there were a lot of the same ones that looked really different some really bad the others good. i tried to remember him teaching me how to change them. i couldn't. i said you must have done the good ones and i did all the shitty ones right. he said something like that. then started pointing them all out. some one i didn't know had taken a few. I guessed i must have been drunk for the whole thing. i asked what i did. he said don't worry about it. I wondered where adena was. she was in bed. she had just gotten into a small private school. I got up and went to the bathroom. we had a huge bathtub that was covered in feces. it was a mess. i thought of telling her to clean up after herself. I wondered wether i told justin anything i shouldn't have. i was in bed trying to figure out which part was real. i wondered if i really went to that movie last night. then i woke up.

cats and dogs

2010-07-24T07:49:00.000-07:00

Ballroom dancers. getting ready. i gave grandma a zine. she had some the wrong ones. birth not love. i wanted to give it to adena. i was wearing a highwaisted pencil skirt that fit wrong. going on a date. all these guys. i kept on saying profound(profane) things. this one guy was super offended by all of it. his friend kept on agreeing with me. I was going on a date. love (the sine issue) was some bright colored stickie note on a white board.

Cats and dogs fighting. cats were in the back yard dogs in the back. they were really cruel. the dogs i think. there was a list of why dogs were bad on the back of a rice crispie treats box. I was on the side of the cats. I was with the young puppies thouhg. They were so cute. it was time for bed and the cats had taken over te house so they said only cats can com in. i did. sitting with mom and grandma on the couch. grandma was wearing a beautiful dress. all of these christmas things.

in the backseat with tim and lina. i was trying to figure out wether what he was doing to her was different. or if we were really the same. we drove to the laundrymat. there was a turkey subway sandwhich involved. She asked if you needed quarters for the laundry. he said no. i was like what? really?

dad and leslie. mom was trying to say something. they were in the house and when we all got home dad said to leslie, welcome home. Apparently they were listening to david bowie records. Alladin sane? yeah. then she started to explain. but dissapeared and i had to finish the story for her. you see.... i didn't know why that was so bad. i thought maybe it had to do with the time dad bought chocolate covered oreos and my mom was looking through his receipts that one time we had left. and he had had an "old friend" over.

hm

2010-07-20T09:13:00.000-07:00

Robbie did something mildly flirtatious. Then asked why I rejected him so quickly. I couldn't say anything.

this is why i don't take naps

2010-07-19T17:27:00.000-07:00

Carpinteria. the flowers. At michael's window. Bridget was sitting on me talking. I thought michael and all in the room would hear. into the chute. A lighter behind me. Under the spoon. Rock climbing. Hilda of sabrina. And chopped up bodies. meat packing an delivery. running from the law. kant. this father reading it and thinking why would i perforrm surgery on my self. kant was like junky. i kant. the mom. a cell phone call. i pick up and think its for me. suddenly i'm a child again. i think its susan calling to wish me happy brithday. some one explains its for dad. about the rolling pin. he looks at mom with flowers and tries to explain to her who these people are on the phone. i imagine the joy of having kids. having the whole world in the car with you on the way to vacation. disneyland. why was he messing it up by bringing in these other people. why couldn't i wait to have the joy myself. why did i want to know her suffering when i was s o young.

just fleeting

2010-07-05T18:27:00.000-07:00

I was browsing John Donne's origional poems and accidentally got to this page. It wasn't till after I clicked back that I realized I wanted to read it. Luckily EEBO was so slow I had time to ctrl c before it disappeared.

The Dreame.

DEare love, for nothing lesse then thee
Would I have broke this happy dreame,
It was a theame
For reason, much too strong for phantasie,
Therefore thou wakd'st me wisely; yet
My Dreame thou brok'st not, but continued'st it,
Thou art so truth, that thoughts of thee suffice,
To make dreames truths; and fables histories;
Enter these armes, for since thou thoughtst it best,
Not to dreame all my dreame, let's act the rest.

As lightning, or a Tapers light,
Thine eyes, and not thy noise wak'd mee;
Yet I thought thee
(For thou lovest truth) an Angell, at first sight,
But when I saw thou sawest my heart,
And knew'st my thoughts, beyond an Angels art,
When thou knew'st what I dreamt, whe~ thou knew'st whe~
Excesse of joy would wake me, and cam'st then,
I must confesse, it could not chuse but bee
Prophane, to thinke thee any thing but thee.

Comming and staying show'd thee, thee,
But rising makes me doubt, that now,
Thou art not thou.
That love is weake, where feare's as strong as hee;
'Tis not all spirit, pure, and brave,

If mixture it of Feare, Shame, Honor have;
Perchance as torches which must ready bee,
Men light and put out, so thou deal'st with mee,
Thou cam'st to kindle, goest to come; Then I
Will dreame that hope againe, but else would die.

The Kiss

2010-07-05T17:06:00.000-07:00

We were coming off a windy road back from a motorcycle trip. Maybe it was on the road. I was in Alex's car. maybe like the Honowitz's. In some wealthy person's house. It was a family or group that I definitely didn't belong to. I was just tagging along. I next to the litter box by the door to the pool at the Champlin's house. I saw tim. I kissed him. It was indescribable. It turned into Adena. Then I guessed i must have been lesbian. I thought it was weird. I knew deep down I was doing it for her sake. That I didn't really like women. I wondered where time went. I meant to write tim. I'm going to take it both ways.

The phs pool. I dreamt about mark! And the stand from strawberry. And grapes.Fruit.

everything good.

2010-06-26T19:46:00.000-07:00

I was at PHS and about to play some water polo. They were bending the rules to let me play. I was worried that I wouldn't do well. For some reason I was off in a bedroom at yearbook camp smoking cigarettes beforehand. I felt dumb. The beautiful colors of the sunset and the blue water against the red goal. And everything good about summer league water polo.

Things-in-themselves

2010-06-25T23:07:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure I had a dream where I was seeing things-in-themselves. It was like walking around mr. toad's wild ride but with the lights on. The behind the scenes of disneyland. The backlot. It was scary. I just remember a lot of panic and fear. There was train on top. And walking around. Blood. Mackie. Possibly one of the philosophy boys. Or they were tag teaming.

I had a dream where Adena and I were going to a baseball game. We went in. We tried to sneak into a section that was better than the tickets we had. We got caught. My mom always does it this way. I was embarrassed to get kicked out. In a bathroom like the one at phs with the old stalls. i don't remember.

I woke up last night when Adena got a phone call at 2 (i guess that would be this morning rather) and the first thing i could think of was the synthetic unity of apperception.

Its Alright Ma (I'm Only Bleeding)

2010-06-17T10:10:00.000-07:00

I think it involved cats and hickeys and not wanting to but going along because i couldn't act to stop him. But all of that really happened.

Water polo. That was it. And upstairs and caity ballister and cats in a room and moving a bed. And blood everywhere. And There was a young boy in the pool i was talking to. Blood and peircings. I couldn't figure out why on earth i would want to get bars peirced along the top of my skull. (i wish i could find the right word for them, i have a mental image though) Downstairs and out of doe library. Water polo was going down on memorial glade. hillary was at one table. In the water. they were picking sets to do. Every one got in but me. but then i was talking to hillary an the boy again. And there was so much blood.

Two nights ago though.
I think I was rockclimbing. Then I left and saw adjakari. He was holding a red notebook full of poems or something. I wanted to see it. I asked him how he was. He said his brother was in a coma. We were headed to a house farther down university that was the scene of a murder. The police were on their way. People were gathering there to get on the ferry. i think It was a staging are for people who were being forced into exile.

hella dreams

2010-06-04T17:54:00.000-07:00

I think I'm not in too great a place. Hence the ridiculous amount of dreams.

1. I was underground. Surrounded by roots. It was like where Mr. Mole lived. I was with mom and caroline. Vacation. The garbage truck was coming. It was a lady Gaga themed collection party.

2. I was in a golf cart or something with Darrell. We were sort of holding hands. I felt bad for him. I was talking to him about life. Like that guy, Ras?, from the cloyne party. I don't think I was going to do anything with him. It was more like kissing ass. We got to a place. It may have been Adena's home. There was someone I was supposed to meet there. We were preparing to get into a rocket ship. It was going to take us to berkeley. Adena came to say goodbye but stowed away with us.

3. I was standing on the edge of a pool. There were a bunch of the old scam guards with me. Some one was wearing bright orange. A guy pointed in that direction and said is he having a heart attack. I said no i think he's okay. I was watching to see. He did need help. He needed CPR but i just stood there doing nothing.

Stillborn

2010-05-29T09:07:00.000-07:00

he called back and he said he really never loved me. and it was just .... and that now was a bad time. and i was bad for him. this was in the house that i was staying at so i didn't have to go home. it was like the inside of a pyramid. but he said he was kidding. i had to leave amessage and i just sighed. i wanted to screa that i didn't beleive in love. that i didn't want it. it was the most uncomfortable place ever. the morgans dog woke me u in the morning and sounded exactly like bill morgan. i tried to tell mom this but she was mad/confused. something was wrong. i woke up and there were three cups of coffee on the ledge. i woke up late and people were probably mad at me. tamsin or kelly ozborne was drinking one of the cups. we were touring the facility. taylor was in one of the back rooms. there were photos of when she was blonde and everyone loved her. i looked at it and said i love her now. we kept opening them up and making discoveries. we knew something was there. we were all pretty thrilled, adrenaline wise, when a dead girl fell out. i walked in to a room at a party. everyone was wearing red and blue. but the same shade some full some not. they were doing coke or heroin or something. they handed me a red bull. I thought there was something bad about the two. a suppose they reminded me of different swimmers. I was trying to get back to berkeley. I was on the train. I kept on dropping shit. the man that put his hand between my legs. i didn't know which one to transfer to so i asked the woman on the platform. she said that one i asked her if i coul make it. she said as long as theres nothing metaphysical you could trip on.

1. Red bull also gives you wings.
2. Nothing is better that the place you truly call home.
3. Stillborn knowledge does not count as new knowledge

Also there was a part where i think i was with a woman. she was younger. she was a dancer. there was a ferry boat, you had to be careful not to get splinters in your hand. she may have been katie m. either way. she was an optimist.. we were coming down a ramp. a handicap ramp all these women were there. i think they wanted to bully us. they wanted to tear off our clothes. they got one girls. i think the two girls i was with got away. i don't know how much help i was. but i didn't care so i stayed to face the group. even thought they probably would have had their way.

Vacation

2010-05-28T09:55:00.000-07:00

We were in palm springs. But we may have been closer to ohio. We were looking at newspapers that were like maps. They had bad news and showed us over by new york. The three points of our position made a triangle. I don't know how that worked. Cloyne. A bird of paradise. In this hallway of a haunted castle. I was talking to Jasmijn. I wish I could remember. It could have been about my false idol.

Discussing the pitfalls of under arm hair.

2010-05-23T09:10:00.000-07:00

I dreamt I owned a motorcycle.

Water

2010-05-05T14:26:00.000-07:00

There was a party and I was consulting to people on what to wear. The theme as B movie. From the 20's. Sci fi. I couldn't decide between the anthro dress with the pattern from the thrift store shirt on it, or the pink one from buffalo exchange. EX A was more sci-fi, EX B was 20s housewife. In a corner room at cloyne. Hilary and Honor. Three men where plotting to consolidate oil drills in the middle of a huge desert. It was so hot outside but when the veiw shifted underwarter it felt just as bad. From the bottom of the pool it was clear and beautiful and gold and teal and maybe some yellow and silver and green. But still not feeling good. I was watching that movie with Jake. I moved to stop thinking about which way was better from the water or outside. My face was against his cheek and it was so soft. I sighed. My nostrils kind of quivered and he touched my nose. I thought that a little weird. But not. So comfortable.

It meant nothing

2010-04-20T13:46:00.000-07:00

I had a dream where michael and i were in a relationship. I felt I could control it. Like i wouldn't lose myself again. He came in and wanted to know what frat party we were going to. It was a street with light pink houses and palm trees and it could have been miami. mixed with santa barbara. It was like a frat but also like a train and also like loth. and that girl who wears all black was ther with some theatre person i never met but felt like i knew possibly mr. peterson's daughter. And it was night going to day but it meant nothing.

I want to remember these but I'm to lazy to do detail:

2010-03-24T12:08:00.000-07:00

3/24

First: Caity bailed on our flight so i had to go back w/ alex and tim. Me an tim.
Second: Above a shop. Horror. Somebody was insane chasing us. Swordfight with kitchen knives. You could only hit the stomach. Water based.

3/23

First: with caroline going to figure drawing. It was a wreck outside. We saw people on fire inside of a building maybe kroeber. We watched them move back and forth. Burning alive. It was the eye of the hurricane. I went to visit a woman in her apartment in a back parking lot. She had a weather glass. She pulled a stick out. A hard rain's gonna come.
Second. Mom was on an island with a bunch of tiny dinosaur dragons. I had been searching for her for years. This was the only safe spot left. I was inside a strange pizza/arcade shop. The floors where black and white checkerboard. There were random kids and a few men lounging around. Like a puzzle maze ype place. I talked to them about the dragon who had everyone in terror. They said it was for the movie. I was fighting the dragon, taking out all its wiring and circuits.

3/21
Upstairs in a t-shirt music store. Checkerboard floors again. Looking through t-shirts and jumpsuits and kayaks. With mom mack and alexander. we were window shopping on the way to someplace else.

Microchip and hydrochloric acid:

2010-03-22T00:22:00.000-07:00

But last night I had this dream where there was a man sitting inside a room talking to a video camera. Like a video log. He was holding up a microchip and had said something bad about it. Then he said, well at least I can still kill myself with it. At this point he demonstrated slicing through his white t-shirt. I broke into the room stole it from him and threw it across the street. It shattered into a million pieces. A news woman knelt over it. Her knees rested in a pool of hydrochloric acid. She looked at me and told me the chip was actually the man’s brain and there was very little chance I could recover it.

Gross

2010-03-22T00:14:00.000-07:00

A convention. Knitting crochet expo, worlds fair. (A five k at night through trees and by cloyne in berkeley somewhere new and old and titanic all at once, stones a frog prince shoes/no shoes, glass on the ground. from a warhouse).

Mackie and I had to take a test. Mom and appropriate change. With darrel and richard as one person. A field on the fourth of july. Blood and lines for the port-a-potty. And a white house mansion. The stairway in the Huntington. The columns from the Fenyes. And suburbia hanging out in there too.Last night on a road talking to Stephanie.

There was a car accident a hit and run and spenser and books to be read and papers and lies and could have done betters. A twisty mountain rail. We where with the ghosts on the other side.

I slept in

2010-03-17T10:41:00.000-07:00

missed class and all I got was this odd dream.

I was in a field. Harvesting with Adena. Jessie was there. There was a radioactive leak nearby. We had to not plant in the affected ground. I guessed it was like those calculus problems we had to do to maximize the efficiency of grocery store clerk schedules. Maximizing plantable ground. There was more here. Jessie and I were conspiring to do something. It feels like it was sinful but at the same time not at all. There was a production aspect to it. It was a narrow field. With brown fences like the one at the bottom of the Champlin's backyard. Then there was Tim's locker. I was about to put something in there. I feel we may have been in high school musical. And there may have been cheese. There was some trick of space and negative space. Where the locker and my position in the field related to his existence in San Francisco. And he was there living his life with his friends. And I was at his locker.

Upstairs

2010-03-14T23:53:00.001-07:00

in rooms. T and my publication. Hose. The upstairs of that frat we went to last year. Jessie and Taylor. The days when i smoked.
Hosery. Thats clever.

BRICK AND TRAINS?!

I'm beginning to forget.

2010-03-07T12:09:00.000-08:00

Not to say I don't remember. I remember remembering. But I forget precisely what I've remembered.

Dream 1: I was kissing some one. I was excited about it. At first it was Boy M but then turned into Jordan. I was like, wow, he has really big lips. I was disappointed it was jordan. But then I guess that made sense for me. It was more of an idea of it than it. Descartes believes that a dream is the same sort of idea of the thing. So I guess it was an Idea of an Idea. Which may explain why its difficult to remember.

Dream 2: A prognostication of special dinner. I remember quite clearly Justina and a tray of food. There were a sea of negative things around. I feel I'm misrepresenting this dream. I'm trying to reconstruct it and it just looks like the real thing. Which is impossible since the dream happened before hand. The real thing was an experience though. For sure.

Dream 3: I remember Travis and a petite blonde girl. One's hand was on the other's knee. It wasn't the typical sort of jealousy thing. I felt, unmoved? Like thats just the way it is. And Taylor was there. This was in Cloyne maybe? Overarching worries of why life is so amazing and mild fear that I'll start crying like a child again tomorrow. But generally just satisfaction in the present and the hope for good things in the future.

I promise I'll start making an effort to remember.
Dreams are cool to have. I look forward to the clarity with which my future self will perceive them.

oh

2010-03-02T11:18:00.000-08:00

There was a boat. Going under a bridge. Maybe in England. It may have been one of those amusement park love boat rides. Grace and Dennis were dancing. It may have been the titanic. I was at home. With will c. He was young and blonde and like Caroline. Or that guy I watched smoking cigarettes and throwing stones at the wall of Cloyne. He was distraught. I was trying really hard to help him. I didn't want him. I just wanted to comfort some one. I was caressing him. My mom walked in. She started yelling and accusing me of things. Caroline killed the rat again. Swung it and accidentally let go at the top of its arc. It flew and hit the pole chris capune made to hold all our beanie babies. Not that they all fit but... I suppose she thought I was a pedophile. Other things might have happened.

I was missing large chunk of my head

2010-02-27T07:54:00.000-08:00

I was walking. mike was walking home with some girl. I guess I was with erika. they talked. I was around a parking structure headed to his new place. He invited me in. There was a dark curved bathroom sink. He live alone. Me and hillary moved into the sky. It was more of a farm overlooking a beautiful veiw. I feared isolation. They almost convinced me to eat a corn dog. Fadi lived in a co-op. Nevin was there.I guess I was in a cabin with granma when I realized a chunk of my head was missing. There was also a huge scab next to it. Talking to them. A performance of hamlet was involved. I thought athena would be good at putting it on. Huxley sadi all the actors didn't care. Sierra and I were going to a small performance of it in a little white house. Taylor D was there. Sierra wrote some really good poetry.

Biting Bikes

2010-02-23T14:36:00.000-08:00

Me Adena and tim were on a bus. It was a little more of a tram. I had to get off soon. Tim was going some where else. Tim leaned over and started kissing me. It was all hidden in his hair. I wanted Adena to see. See me fighting. I said no. STOP. I think I may have bit him. My first reaction was glad that he wanted me then mad that he thought he could just take it. I got off. It was berkeley. Made of brick. An auditorium. A mother suburban abandonment. Negative feelings. I think there was a crater where the aliens had landed. Tim might have been an alien. I was on a bike around a circle, I was trying to pick up speed so I could make it up a hill. Descartes and infinity and God remind me of this dream.

JT

2010-02-18T16:29:00.000-08:00

Jt was a cat and on a pier. And elaina and other things. I guess I had biked there. Down telegraph. I had packed somethings and left cloyne while other people were leaving to do their cool interesting things as well. There was a boat. I had to leave some things with travis so I could go back to wherever. Watching twilight maybe? A lecture on vampires. But a hipster highbrow one. I knew there would be cool people there to meet. I asked him if he could keep them safe. We were trying to put them in this big zippered bag, like a lifesaving supply bag. I really thought the wind or tornado would blow them out. I remember at one point Alex looked at me and said at least you're still talking. I biked back, bread and dreads? It was a room, like at the journalism convention. With round tables and a tenured professor. I saw who I wanted to.

blood

2010-02-16T21:45:00.000-08:00

blood blood blood

there were bloody pieces of toilet paper all over the compost bins. It was on a cloud. near heaven.

i fantacize about pick axes in tim's chest. and his face.

i woke up then went back to sleep and dreamt i saw travis in a cool black and red shirt gardening outside my window. possibly with the white rabbit.

Brigine

2010-02-14T08:45:00.000-08:00

and I were giving eachother massages. thats about it.

The evening again.

2010-02-12T14:52:00.000-08:00

I was coming back from Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead with Kelly and Michael. We were taking the bus down telegraph. It was similar to the cat bus from totoro. Michael got off first. We got to Telegraph and Bancroft. I got off without Kelly. I felt bad. I knew she wanted me to stay. But I wanted to go. I walked home across a big feild. There was a brick wall with the city on one side and a magical world on the other. I was going through the magic world back to cloyne. There was some other presence there. It was a guy. Almost a bro. But not quite. I think he was from cloyne. i was really really intimidated. I think I was trying to avoid him. But we both wanted pizza.

Junk and Indian Decor

2010-02-08T07:41:00.000-08:00

There was a pathway. It was leaving a beach or a tour. Heading back past this room and the hotel and other things. I thought that I'd walked this path a lot last year. At the beginning. I got lazy second semester. I was too in love with michael. This part became more sinister. More Oscar Wilde, less Wordsworthian. Some needed to go to walgreens. I couldn't decide I asked why they said sandals and other walgreens things. I was around Cloyne. There was a vacant single. It was full of the girl's junk and ambient indian decor. I think the disappearance of the girl was tragic. Taylor was there. Taylor began to accuse me of something. Everyone was rallying behind her. I didn't know how to love. I only ever loved my self. She had a series of examples. I stayed at the hotel. I asked if they had any soy. He said yes. I was indecisive until I I asked about a soy hot chocolate. He looked at me like I was ridiculous. But went to go get it. Will C was sitting had requested a song. He went to turn on the speakers. They weren't really playing. I was with Mackie and Alexander. I turned around and will was sitting on top of the speakers rocking out to "With A Little Help From My Friends." We left. It was a beach in india. People were with me but i was unconcerned with them. I recognized it. It was a painting I did. But I did it out of that image catalogue. I realized I should paint it for real. I was really excited. I could see patterns in the density of the trees. It was a hill full of trees and a beach simultaneously. I told someone. Mom, Taylor, or Caroline. Very impressed with myself. On of the men turned to me and said, well I'll be writing my second book on this place soon. I turned around and everyone was wearing their face-masks. I was not. I was worried. There were rows of people in the water. Systematically drowning. I went to save them. I was slow. I did it, but I was worried i couldn't. And that my training gave me nothing. Like anyone else could have done the rescues just the same. There were a couple other men that jumped in to help. I brought them back and checked their consciousness. had them hold onto the ledge. One of them may have been Ms. Piggy. I looked up. It may have been grandma. I had braces. One tooth was shifted over to the left. I was confused because they couldn't be my teeth. Oh god. I think I may have had a dream for Tim. Because I remember one point when i thought to myself, "well there you go, you've had a dream." Back to the teeth. They didn;t necessarily make me look better. But i figured this was about to make my teeth pop back into place. Since the change was so recent. It must be easily reversible.

Architecture

2010-02-04T15:53:00.000-08:00

I was high up. I dreamt I decided to study architecture. I had made the house.

Taylor and Jessie

2010-01-22T12:35:00.000-08:00

We were all moving back in. It was a very high hotel room. Taylor was there with her mom. I felt very odd around her. Exactly how I felt in real life actually. I went downstairs to get food. Boys were skateboarding. Alexander and Alan. I was happy to be along for the ride. Santa monica peir. In the kitchen at cloyne. More like sf state. Tim was upstairs. I was talking to the chef and making peanut butter and banana sandwiches. I went back upstairs. Taylor had a new boyfriend. They were making out. Up by the window. Groping each other and being really disgusting. Her boyfriend had saggy breasts that confused me. I felt gross watchign it. And guilty. I felt guilty. For a lot of things. I thought, she doesn't need him at all.

Sizing

2010-01-22T12:31:00.000-08:00

One of the guys from cloyne was rubbing along my temple. The one who modeled the cloyne underwear. Who looks really familiar. He thought I would make a good model. I was really embarrased and blushing and acting dumb. Another one, Taylor maybe, was sitting on a bench (this is all in the dining room) shaking his head. I was a little upset. But I still couldn't believe the they wanted me. Then I realized they wanted to star me in a porn film. I think in the dream i didn't mind. I was still flattered. Oh. Oh dear.

Something about a macy's parking lot.

bath houses

2009-12-15T11:51:00.001-08:00

I was with laura and a crowd of people. We were going into a lecture hall. following karl and julian. grace o may have been there. Julian and karl just wanted to get laid. there was magic in the background. It may have been bad magic though. A woman was handing out condoms. Every one wanted to get laid. Maybe it was the shoe fairy. Maybe the shoe fairy was coming. Turns out the condoms got charged to your account. It was a frat. I thought to myself, thats dumb, i don't want that on my record and i don't plan on having sex in the bathhouse, if i need a condom i'll just get it later.

hmm

2009-12-13T00:21:00.000-08:00

It was the back of the school. Tim's school. There were news crews. I may have been playing bass or doing something musical. Tim was there. i remember other boys. I don't know what they were doing but it wasn't good. I was with tim. Distance races. Water polo. I wish it made sense.

i remember a dream about a wash. that was full of garbage and moss and the power plant and parallel universes and magic and love and loss and death and art allll in one. And my world. Shared with your world. But only only only in my head
that
had nothing to do with dream one.
not even in proximity

Archaeology

2009-12-13T00:17:00.000-08:00

Tomas and Brandon were drunk doing anthro archaeology togethor in a white house. white cinderblock. on a hill. Approached through a magic bay, shallow water with buoys. In small boat then a rima around a lake. Stepping stones and trees hanging over. I was coming back. There was a cultural awareness day at berkeley. Everyone was in lines to get mexican food. To avoid the lines and since i did the mexican food thing at home i lined up to get some pizza. I thought it was a great idea, i didn't like it.

I closed my eyes

2009-11-30T17:46:00.001-08:00

and saw the pink magnolias blooming

and woke up and told tim

Crossword Killings

2009-11-30T17:41:00.000-08:00

Alex Shot an italian man in a black suit. I hated alex. I asked why. That was the man Tims sister was sleeping with. I asked if she wanted to. Some how I knew she did but didn't know. Flea from was in a pink tube. It was Worms and My vagina. Men in black suits. An elevator shaft. There was a crossword puzzle on a platform suspended in the air. Five people needed to lie down on it

Two would die.

I hoped it would be the two I didn't know.

I felt guilty for this.

I hoped people didn't have to die.

heron

2009-11-27T12:12:00.000-08:00

it was a white heron. I was running up the street. preteen hipster smoking cigarettes. I ran past it. it need to be picked up. the apocalypse. i saw an abondoned animal rescue center. a car drove by. looking for herons. i stopped it and jaime was driving. i told jaime maybe janey that the bird was there. I stayed and she went to go got it. i was glad. i got picked up. they put me in a zoo. I asked why i'm not an animal. they said don't worry about it. i said why i'm not an animal. they told me i'm not human. you're too pink. care light intelligence. something like that.

the

end

ziplines

2009-11-27T12:04:00.000-08:00

I was on a train. the roof was open and it was among all these red rocks. the grand canyon. i was alone. travelling with my sketchbook and ipod. I was switching seats up and down. something to do with water polo.

dad came and we were togethor on a zipline above these huge caverns. people were running around down below.

i was with gloves

text messages

food

fall leaves circling down then back up and around. to a room. an old folks home. where. wome one's grandmother?

mine?

leslie. there were disney princesses.

I held dads hand because i was scared. we were trying to catch up. I couldn't figure out where we were supposed to get off. we sped past one place the wires ended then another.

we were looking for alice. i was alice. maybe a rabbit hole.

maybe another planet.

I lay my head on my pillow,

2009-11-19T09:33:00.000-08:00

I saw a house and walked in. It was on the backlot at universal studios. The house was empty. They had set up some awful sex torture chamber. They were grabbing me. I wasn't really struggling. I guess I thought this must be how I'm supposed to do it. Then I got a text from Tim. And was lying on my bed not about to get raped. I was pretty thankful.

something i didn't want to wake up from last night

2009-11-18T10:38:00.001-08:00

with tim.

something sweet and light.

Near my house

2009-11-18T10:35:00.000-08:00

On the corner of Euclid and Marengo. I walked past the house. A child was there. And an middle aged asian man. But the hose didn't belong to them. The child was pushed up against the wall. The man circled the kid. This man is going to kidnap him. I watched. I couldn't really stop it though.

Big screen TVs. Three boys. Superbowl sunday. Chips and salsa. Watching porn. Bathrooooms.

Rolllleeer Coasters: Use with caution

2009-11-18T10:33:00.000-08:00

All the kids wanted to go on the same roller coaster over and over and over again. I looked at kelly and said lets go. We were inside of the peter pan one. I said you know which ones my favorite? she said this one. I said i knew you would no that. Matt had some camel crushes. The ride was a car pool. You needed to smoke. Ha ha ha. You kids can get the fuck over yourselves.

My vagina is a series of copyrighted dolls:

2009-11-18T10:31:00.000-08:00

I dreamt about the cabbage patch kids, and strawberry shortcake.

I didn't realize why.

And the magic school bus.

And those were my dreams.

ughhhh

2009-11-08T10:21:00.000-08:00

So i was with my family. going to brunch or church or something. I was wearing the butterfly shirt and red athropology dress. I needed a sweater that matched. I think i wanted the velvet blazer. The was something where the trash was in my apartment, something under the bed. I got it out. My cell phone. Two text from taylor. Three from tim. Jocelyne's Quincenere. At work the post man had so many invitations to her party. Thats where I was going. Tim. Inside my head. I care about you. Its truly sad that you have to try and get that essay done in that terrible situation. a ton of big words. black small type on thin yellow paper. I care about you and I want to words start to fade. But you should know my blood will always be. View. Cigarettes in the freezer. They belonged to paul. I lived in a craftsman style house. Asiatic. Attic. Backyard. Matt from anthro discussion. I needed to go then. I needed my ticket. I found many in my bag. A ton from dad. Small ones. Not the one I needed. I saw gift cards in the trash. All used up. Mostly borders and barnes and noble. I found the ticket. We had special seating. A van. They were raping a girl. I don't know if the girl existed. Or mattered. Maybe a Crash dummy. Everyone was laughing. The car began to crash. Slow motion. I opened the door and the first woman was crumpled up by the door. I first thought "spinal, don't move her" but she beagn to fall. I I moved her to the sidewalk. She woke up and looked at me and said, Why did you do that? You didn't really think i was hurt did you?

I don't know, I muttered and stumbled. She was blonde. Someone efficient.She walked away saying it was a good call. always better safe than sorry. I was eating caity's pasta. I borrowed some sauce. She came home and got some too. I mixed up the plates. I thought hers was mine. I was eating meat so confused and embarrased. Why hadn't she stopped. Me.

Taylor and all at the quincenera. I guess you could have come but.... said the text from Tim. The police had reserved seating we got there and had a little bit better. The people complained.

Alexander and charley.

hmmm

2009-11-03T11:47:00.000-08:00

I was driving around. I got to an art store. It was either in the SF or downtown LA.

New train of thought

i fucking hate death cab
hate it

the end

and i looked for gypsie pants wwas holding a bottle of lotion and serching for sci fi books
the end

and other things

ps
i
hate
death
cab

the end

hgjhgjfdhgfhd

2009-10-29T11:02:00.000-07:00

OK
so michael had a part two.

This time naked same dress in a theatre. I beleived it was reality. I thought it was the dream coming true. He was a little cold but i beleived in the dream so i kept trying. Fletcher was there. Omelletes. I got a text from a preacher. I was in a bathroom. Msrg. Earl Joseph Warren... He had molested taylor.
I was on a bus with alex. We passed Paul looking through a frozen meats isle in a grocery store. I said to alex, "there goes the second most disgusting pig in the universe." I think the first was the preacher. But it may have been him.
Taylor and I were in the store. We were returning unused grocries. I thought to myself, we can do this? or a period. There were mismatched large black shoes in the basket. I saw a friend of my moms. Taylor walked up to her and asked her for help. I thought to myself she doesn't work here. She did it again and i realized it was because they were both black. I tried to clarify and apologize for her. I think that was all.

no, i still dream

2009-10-27T15:41:00.000-07:00

michael

i was naked.

covering myself with my anthropology dress.

he sat at a fountain smoking a cigarette

he was ok with me joining him. this made me happy. he wasn't bothered by my nudity.

this is after the inside of a house an event dark but still lights and scattered warmth

Bricks Part I&II (Edited)

2009-10-22T11:06:00.000-07:00

She imagined a platform
She stood on it,
Danced as it tipped and she slid;
Staying on, Heart fleeting
The Edge widening, all Walls going
A window suspended in the air.

Then you tell me there’s no platform.

I'm standing on thin air
I'm falling,
You’re throwing me bricks;
I don't know if you want me to build a house
Or tie them to my toes
And sink below
Your sight.

I'll take the bricks and build you a house
a house that,
Huff and puff as he might
That silly wolf will never blow down,
Because I never needed that platform,

I had wings the whole time.

So you'll have your house and until
I find a bird to fly with;

I'll sit and sing on your windowsill
From time to time.

ok ok so i'll forget these if i don't

2009-10-18T08:54:00.000-07:00

walking in on a threesome of tim alex and some slut at a prty

getting my sketchbook off the bed

dried edamame with matt and taylor on vacation sailing my family

the anthro books, and something else

An archaeological dig in my vagina:

2009-10-16T10:20:00.000-07:00

I was in anthro class. Kabuki Sushi. He was showing slides on a projector. They were open for discussion, we were collaborating on something. That girl Aemilia was very opinionated. We got to one of a house. It was a layout. I looked at it and knew that i actually had something to say. I started to talk and realized everything i thought I knew was overdone. It was high school yearbook. I kept talking hoping I would say something good. Get somewhere good. Aemilia took over. I was at a house. Outside on a white fence with Taylor. I knew I had lost her before I had had her. I think it was because I didn't pay attention. Didn't try. Then I was under a tree. Possibly an Alexandra Magnolia. Wacthing the bees and the flowers fornicating. I kept moving to see it. It was strangel arousing. I left. Then I wondered if the motor was till running. I guess it was something under the tree. I turned around. A man said that I wasn't allowed to be using that. That i needed to get off of his property.