Hacking

We were on vacation. With dad. Or mom. I think there was a choice. I went with the others who were with dad. It felt wrong. Like a group I didn't belong to. Something with washing or choosing clothes. I didn't finish. Instead I went on deck and saw a guy smoking. So I started to roll a cigarette. I was back in pasadena. It was dark green. Maybe on walnut. One street parallel to the freeway. It was the only one. I saw david purgason. All alone. he talked to me. I couldn't figure out what he thought of who i was or was pretending to be. He asked if I wanted to walk to 7-11. I said I didn't want anything. He said they had pancakes. They were frozen. I saw he was in a wheelchair. I stopped for a moment and asked my self if he was the same person in the wheelchair. Maybe this is why he was alone. Did I want to be friends with him? At this point I woke up unable to breathe. Coughing like a mad woman. I looked for my cough suppressants but the bottle seemed empty. I couldn't figure that out. I swallowed a vitamin off the desk instead. I went to the bathroom and coughed a bunch of shit up. I lied in bed thinking about smoking and why i do it. I thought of quitting. Now I want a cigarette. I wish I had something to make me care. Something to make me realize its all for something. That I'm not unlovable. That its not all about reproduction. That I'm whole. And that i care. This dream ruined my day i think. Well Its barely begun so I shouldn't whine.